DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
You Might Also Like
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
? 💀
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.