Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
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You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.