I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
You Might Also Like
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.