Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
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oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.