FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
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Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?