Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
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In a parallel universe nobody can park.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
how was your vacation
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call