What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
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I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Cat.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.