Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
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One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*