I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
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Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
my sentiments exactly
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
This meeting could have been a cake
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train