When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
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Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
finally found a reasonable question
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person