No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
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[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.