You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
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ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.