6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
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*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I have many caverns
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?