You Might Also Like
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe