This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
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Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese