Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
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55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.