What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
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Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
United Steaks of America
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly