*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
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*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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