Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
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I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars