[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
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Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
it was a valiant fight
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Breaking news:
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.