Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
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It’s an epidemic…
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.