The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
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“How’s your day going?”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
The fall of Netflix
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣