Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
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Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
The glory of fall.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December