Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
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Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Every work call, he judges.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.