Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
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If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
This is true.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Breaking news:
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Sex so good you see dead people.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there