Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
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What I say and what I mean are three different things.
President The Rock Obama
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I have two kinds of followers
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine