“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
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I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor