Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
You Might Also Like
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Are we there yet?…
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
can’t catch a break
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.