AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
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They also CAN sing✌️
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.