My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
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[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Super Hand Dog Face
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.