My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
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If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Start the year as you intend to continue.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying