When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
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cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……