i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
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white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
A classic…
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.