*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
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At an art museum and I thought this was art
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
emergency phone
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
How do you like your Corgi?
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too