BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
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When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*