Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
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me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”