“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
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My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
So the ex texted me
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead