wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
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When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Yes my dude
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
if a cop pulls u over play dead