When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
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if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.