Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
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Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I occasionally drink every single night.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator