King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
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[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Ain’t no way
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.