me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
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My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”