Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
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[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt