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What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Nigella has gone too far this time.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym