Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
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My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao