*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
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Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.