I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
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*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
In space, no one can hear…
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”