If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
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Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
i could never be president. im overqualified.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice