crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
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Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit