My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
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The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
(by @ZachWeiner )
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.